How I Met Your Father
by AintSoSuper
Summary: Twenty-six years later after the SAO incident. Asuna recounts her grueling tale of the death game to her children. Her known prowess with the rapier, along side with her extravagant beauty quickly placed her among the top of the players. However, in the midst of chaos and despair, how did The Flash find love and comfort?
1. Prologue

**Hey guys, this story is loosely based on the popular American sitcom 'How I Met Your Mother'. For all those that know it, the series ended last month. So I actually thought that one can actually adapt the tv series into SAO. I do see potential in Klein being similar to Barney. However, I don't I will changing much of the SAO characters personalities to suit like those of the cast. I hope you guys enjoy this prologue, this is my first time writing comedy. I'm not exactly an expert in it but it was worth a shot! **

**Disclaimers: I do not own Swords Art Online, not any of it's characters and story ideas. Furthermore I do not own 'How I Met Your Mother', all credits are due to their respective creators.**

* * *

**How I Met Your Father**

**14****th**** October 2048**

"So kids, today I'm going to tell you an amazing story. A story of how I met your father. "

Aoi rolled his eyes. "Are we being punished?"

"No. Just Listen."

Karin looked up momentary before returning focus to her phone, while her brother stretched out his legs and planted them on top the coffee table in front of him.

_Wow, we didn't do a good job of raising these kids. Aren't other children more respectful to their parents?_

"Well, it began during the time when I was stuck in the death game, Sword Art Online…"

* * *

**2****nd**** December 2022**

The sword skill Linear pierced through the Kobold's Sentry which exploded into myriads of polygons moments later. I sheathed my iron rapier, quietly admiring the silent beauty of the destruction of the mob. The cold labyrinth inhabited by hundreds of these creatures emitting a distinct hush, as though in congratulations to my victory.

It was the third straight day since I had entered the dungeon, continues fighting without rest, except in between the respawn timer. I do not know when the last I ate. The more tired I felt the more I pushed myself to go faster. _It's only a game. There are no limits._

"That was impressive." A male voice behind me broke the silence.

_Oh no, not another one…_

I spun in 180 degrees, drawing my rapier from its resting place. I darted straight towards the unknown figure, my choice of weapon glow a faint green as Linear activated. My body felt as though I was being pushed by a hand behind, increased in speed, a few meters away from the stranger I thrust forward my right arm.

The tip of my blade barely missed, only by a few milliseconds of reaction speed.

"Whoa! Hold on, it wasn't an insult!"

"How long have you been watching me?"

"Umm… For the past two hours I think. But it's n-"

I jumped at him before he could finished, throwing a wild shot at his chest. He quickly side step me, causing me to lose my balance and stumbled on to the hard labyrinth ground. The rough texture brushed against my bare skin as I scrambled to get up.

"Don't come close to me!" I said, keeping the distance between us separated by my rapier.

He took a step back, arms raised in the air.

"Look lady, my hormones are in check. I mean no harm."

I glared at him; he was wearing all black, a black cloak, black pants and a black shirt. Clearly signs of someone with malicious intents or is just _emo_.

"What do you want?"

"I just want to say that you are really good."

_Is this all he has to say after watching me for the past two hours? _

I studied his face, a baby face, but I could tell he was around my age. His innocent smile eased my worry a bit; it was not a smile a pedophile would make. I relaxed my stance, returning my rapier to its scabbard, dusted some dirt off my red skirt.

"To beat this game, you have to be more than good."

He nodded at my response. We continued to exchange glances of each other's eyes, creating an extremely awkward silence. It was as if both of us were seeking to scour for information of the other with just our bare vision.

_Grugurgrpgurrghghghg_. My cheeks flushed red at the rumble that originated from my abdominal area. I clutched my stomach while attempting to avoid eye contact with the other player.

He nearly burst out laughing but hastily covered his mouth with his hand, however a mischievous snicker escaped.

"Here." He said, pressing his middle and index fingers together to drag down the translucent menu. A piece of black bread materialized in his hand after several taps. "Take it."

I shook my head whose colour was still similar to that of a radish.

"The Kobolds are about to respawn, I have no time to eat."

I pivoted my back to him.

The temperature suddenly exploded as my arms felt wobbly as they fell to my sides, a heavy weight sensation fell onto my shoulders as my knee gave way and plunged into the tough ground. Darkness faded in…

* * *

My eyes fluttered open to large tree branches covering most of the clear morning sky or roof of the first floor. Some generic birds were chirping; they weren't mobs, just SAO's way of imitating the great outdoors. I slowly pulled myself up into a sitting position, the sharp grass poking my bare skin.

"Good Morning."

My neck sharply twisted to find same player that I encountered yesterday. He was reclining against the base of a sycamore tree about seven metres away from me, his sheathed sword laid beside his left arm.

"Why didn't you abandon me?"

"It would have been a waste of map information."

_What's with this guy?_

His gentle smile contrasted my frown.

"Anyways," he continued. "After you fell asleep, I just did whatever I wanted."

My iron rapier was already drawn, almost piercing where his heart would be. The several metres that was supposed to be between us, disappeared in a seconds flash.

"**UWAH!?"**

"NO… NOTHING! I DID NOTHING!" His arms again raised in the air, the flames that surrounding my body instigated his face to pour out sweat like Niagara.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BODY?!"

"I SWEAR I DID NOTHING TO TAMPER YOUR HONOR!"

A scene of a hand groping my private and sensitive parts flashed in my mind briefly. My hands trembled violently, nearly dropping my instrument of punishment. I supported my arm with the other to remedy.

"D-DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME! When you were looking for that map data- you must have done things to my body… like those things…"

"I'M INNOCENT!"

His anxiety level must have shot through the roof; his eyes permanently widened as his mouth continues in vain to defend what his teenage body may or may not have done.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

I cocked my arm backwards, full of killer intent of striking the perverted heart out of this body of polygons that lies before me.

_Grugurgrpgurrghghghg_.

He collapsed in laughter, completely forgetting that he _was_ mere moments away from death. My ears burned red hot as red spots again flared my cheeks.

"It's just a game. It's just a game." I angrily mumbled to myself, while punching my stomach as though it was a punching bag.

"AHAHAha I forgot that you still haven't eaten yet." The same black bread manifested in his off hand. "You should read eat first."

Not refusing the offer this time, I stretched forth my left arm and received the bread, making myself comfortable on the grass. The dark texture of the bread, made me wonder whether it was burnt or fungi had decided to reside in it.

"I doubt this will taste any good."

"You got to put some work into."

"Hmm?"

"Here." He shoved a jar beneath my nose. A soft scent of milk aroused my sense of smell.

"Cream?" I hurriedly applied the contents of the jar onto my bread.

Without any further moment of hesitation, my iron clad jaws clobbered the bread into submission, which it willingly submit to be transported for digestion (although I doubt digestion happens in the game).

My eyelids relaxed as the nourishment mingled in my mouth. The creamy smoothness blended more than well with the hard layer of black crust. I could feel my taste buds tingling for more, while my mind traced back to the real world. _Am I back?_

"Do you want another?"

_It's only a game._

"No enough. It's not like I tried so hard just to eat delicious food."

Our eyes locked on with each other. My heart beat faster. A drop of sweat slide down my temple.

I lifted myself up, breaking eye contact as I turned away from him. I could still sense that his eyes were still fixed on my back.

"Besides, I want something else." I said, turning to face him again.

He raised an eyebrow.

"What is it?"

"Your name."

He couldn't help himself but chuckled at the request.

"It's Kirito."

"Well Kirito-kun, I'm Asuna. It's a pleasure to meet you!"

* * *

**I hope you guys did enjoy. Please leave constructive criticism in the reviews, I really do need them. Also if you guys have suggestion on how I can implement the humor better in my writing that will be awesome. Thank You! **


	2. How I Almost Killed Him

**Hey guys this is a new chapter. First of I want to thank Agent 94 for his great advice. Secondly, I will be trying to write this story in a different narrative than I wrote in the prologue, this is because this story is about Asuna recounting the past, it seems odd that she would remember every single detail. So it would be more a telling of a story rather than showing (what my English teacher always says 'show, don't tell'). Basically less descriptive. Anyway here is the next entry, hope you guys enjoy!**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Sword Art Online or any of its characters. Also I do not own HIMYM. All credits goes to their respective creators and owners.**

* * *

**14th October 2048**

"Kids, there was this one incident with your dad, believe it or not, we weren't always the loving couple that we are now, in fact I almost killed your dad then."

"Oh, like when you first met him?" Aoi remarked sarcastically.

"N-no, this was different."

"How So? Did you not mistake him for a pervert this time?" Karin shot at me, her obvious smirk teasing. "Or did you just bang him too hard?"

"Sis you got it all wrong, the guy does all the banging."

"Exactly, dad told me that mom did all the _work_." The smirk grew into a large grin that threatened to tear her face apart, as her focus shift back to me.

"Wait, dad already told you how mom met him?"

"No, just the part on how I was born."

My cheeks burned further, as my fist clinched. I could feel the heat building up behind my eyeballs, at any moment laser beams would shot out.

"Was this when he had _the talk _wit-"

"ENOUGH!" Their mouths immediately sealed up at my roar.

I counted to ten in my head to cool down. "Let me just tell the story."

Aoi and Karin nodded silently, sitting stiffly. They shuffled uncomfortably in the couch, inviting me to begin.

"A year had passed since the death game started. Christmas was nearing, with only a month left…"

* * *

**A month to Christmas 2023**

"Hey A-Chan, how can I help you?" Argo asked. She had a knack for calling unwanted nicknames to people she met, even to their digression.

Although one can mistake her for a little girl, her personality was anything but cute. She was infamously known as Argo the Rat. Her business eccentric focus was what drives people to and _away_ her, as SAO finest information broker. 'Anything can be used to be sold' was what she always says. But nevertheless she is still very reliable.

"I need the location on the Ragout Rabbit."

Ragout Rabbit was the fastest monster in SAO; it darted in and out of your line of sight before your brain could register its existence. However it is relatively harmless and doesn't give many experience points. The main reason why people hunt for the rabbit is because it drops Ragout Rabbit's Meat, which is said to be the most delicious ingredient in the game.

"Hmmm… Well, here's the thing A-Chan. The ragout rabbit is an S-Class monster that is super rare. It is completely by luck if you happen to come across one."

"Come on Argo, I know you that you know something about it, please tell me." I begged her. You see, Argo has a soft spot for female players like herself. All someone has to do is make her feel _bigger_ than she physically is.

"Well… A certain someone paid me five hundred Cols to not sell this info to anyone, but I will tell you if you pay twice the amount."

This was an example of 'Anything can be sold', Argo would ask for a fee to keep her mouth shut, but then later sell the information for a higher price. 'Maximizing profits' was what she told me; that information cost me 200 Cols.

"Last week, a man found a ragout rabbit and is auctioning to the highest bidder. The last person bided two hundred and thirty-four thousand Cols. So if you are interested just-"

"**TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOUR THOUSAND COLS!**"

I wouldn't have that amount if I had sold my body. Well actually, maybe I would. Girls were an extreme minority in SAO, so most of the players have probably gone months without contact with the opposite gender.

"Well maybe, you can convince the seller to give it to you?" Argo suggested as her eyes fixed upon my chest.

"NO!" The one thing I had always pride myself in, is my _exclusiveness_ to your father. "J-just tell me who the seller is."

"That would be eight hundred Cols for this piece of information."

Though it wasn't the 234,000 Cols she suggested, I couldn't help but feel frustrated.

"Okay, fine."

I quickly transacted the money to her including the 1000 Cols for the previous info, without a Col less. Couldn't cheat Argo even though I wanted to, she has an eye for this sort of circumstances.

"The player's name is Usagi, but people that know him call him Ero no Hana (perverted flower in Japanese)."

_Oh God_. At that moment I knew that it was going to be a _rough_ negotiation and it wasn't going to go down _easy_.

"Thanks, I'm off" I did nothing to hide the great annoyance in my voice.

I had checked the map for the location of this Ero no Hana. For certain, I knew that he wasn't part of the front lines so I can only imagine what he does _behind our backs._

He was in Sidrith, the starting town of the 29th Floor.

"Wait A-Chan, why do you want the Ragout Rabbit?"

"That would be two hundred thousand Cols for this piece of information."

I left for the 29th floor after saying that leaving Argo in a dazed. It felt good, though I later had to treat her to her favourite cheesecake.

* * *

**14****th**** October 2048**

"So mom why did you want the ragout rabbit for?" Karin inquired, displaying her more inquisitive personality. On the other hand Aoi was half asleep, but I could tell he was somewhat aware of what was going on.

"Well, Christmas was coming and I thought at that time that maybe, your dad and I could have dinner then."

"Ohhh." The cheeky smile returned to her lips. "Nice one mom."

"Ya, I guess so…" A slight sense of guilt washed over me as I recalled what happened later. "Anyway back to the story. So here I was Sidrith…"

* * *

**A month before Christmas 2023**

It didn't take long to find the seller, in fact he _found_ me.

"Wo-ow, A-aren't you Asuna the Flash of the front lines?" The Flash was what they called me due to my speed in wielding the rapier. "You are even more beautiful than they say. _Nice_. My name is Usagi. What a coincidence, meeting you here."

_Coincidence?_ Argo had probably gone ahead of me and told him I was coming for 400 Cols or something. Knowing Argo, she probably told him what I wearing for my undergarments as well. Well, it didn't matter because it saved me the trouble of locating this _bum_.

"Usagi-san, I heard that you were selling the S-Class ingredient Ragout Rabbit's Meat, and I was wondering if you could sell it to me for a cheaper price?"

I could have sworn that I saw a sick smile flashed across his face.

"Sure, but what is it in return for me?"

"Umm… I will give you thirty percent of my loot in the next dungeon raid."

I could never forget what he said next, with that large crack on his face. The thought of it still haunts me till this day.

"Maybe, but I prefer something else… Maybe a little kiss?"

* * *

**14****th**** October 2048**

"It was just a kiss mom. Were you that immature then?"

"A-actually, it wasn't his face that he wanted me to _kiss._" I shifted awkwardly, shivering slightly.

Karin's eyes widened, in realization.

"Do you mean…"

"Yes."

Aoi now fully aware of his surroundings; it was as if he sensed that his mother's dignity was in danger, even if it was around 15 years in the past.

"You didn't do it of course, right? You said that you were only 'exclusive' with dad."

My eyes slowly retreated to the floor.

"Ehhh… Well, I had to get the rabbit."

"WHAT! HOW COULD YOU!" They both shouted at the same time, getting up from the couch, ready to pounce on me.

I couldn't contain my laughter, as I giggled uncontrollably.

"Hahaha, I was just joking, of course I didn't." I stared into their blank faces, as my mischievous side of me left. "Please don't tell your dad I said that, even though it was a joke."

I recollected that I had forcibly dragged him out of the safe zone and held a knife to his throat. He had immediately begged for mercy being the coward that I knew he was, despite only meeting him for only two minutes. Not my most celebrated act, but at least he _got off my_ _face_.

Aoi and Karin breathed a sigh of relief, as they slumped back onto the couch.

"So after some _choppy_ persuasion, I got the ragout rabbit and spent the remaining days maxing out my cooking skills. It was hefty work, levelling by day, cooking by night. I nearly died of the workload if the game mechanics didn't make it so much easier. When it was finally Christmas Eve..."

* * *

**Christmas Eve 2023**

Everything was going smoothly. The heavenly scented aroma of freshly cooked ragout stew mingled throughout the air of my home. I had even prepared some side dishes to go in with the main course. Some might say that it was the ideal Christmas dinner. However, the only ingredient missing in this recipe of perfection was a person.

I went out searching for your dad; I tried to look for him on the map. But at the time he was in area that was unmapped so I couldn't trace him. It was months since I last saw him, most of the time I was too busy with guild work.

Four month ago, I had joined the Knight of the Blood Oath; it was still a relatively small guild back then, even as it later became the lead clearing guild in the future, the number of members stayed adequate.

It took a while to find Argo; if there is anyone that should where Kirito is it should be her, considering I once found her inside Kirito's bathroom (No kids, it's not what you think). She hadn't replied to any of messages I sent her, I guess she was still pissed at me for using her line against her. But I managed to solve the problem by paying her not to be angry with me.

"Sorry A-Chan, all I know is that he asked me about Nicholas."

_That son of a bitch!_

Nicholas the Renegade was a special event boss that appeared during the second Christmas in SAO. The rumours then caused a massive scramble among guilds in their quests for rare items.

* * *

"Now kids, I forgot how I got there. But somehow, someway I figured that your dad was in a forest at the 35th Floor."

* * *

**35****th**** Floor**

The entire forest was deserted; the ground covered in snow five metres deep. There was only one player in the vicinity, no signs of others. The shadows of the large pine trees covered his face. The furling blizzard didn't help either.

He stumbled, slipped, fell and got up again. It looked like a dolphin was learning _how to walk _by its tail. The process repeated several times, until he was close enough for me to make out who it was.

"Kirito…"

All thoughts of killing him for his reckless behaviour ceased. His health bar was in the red zone. His player's body was battered and bruised.

Without looking at me, he dropped a rounded stone beside my feet before continuing trudging. The item menu showed that it was called The Divine Stone of Returning Souls. Its ability was that it could bring a person back to life, if only used within ten seconds of the person's death.

"Use it on the next person you see die."

From behind him, I saw his cloak was in its ragged form, this meant that its durability was nearing zero. Some scars painted his exposed left arm (they would disappear after restoring health to a certain level). It wasn't a sight to cherish, but at that moment I didn't understand the situation, I was being _selfish_.

"Wait, Kirito why don't you come over my house for dinner?"

He stopped in his tracks, before twisting his neck to catch a glimpse of my eyes. No signs of emotion across his face.

"No thank you."

* * *

**14th October 2048**

"Awww mom, that was too bad and you had even spent a whole month practicing your cooking skills." Karin sympathized. She has an obvious ear for romance.

Her brother cringed at the lovey talk.

"So, who ate the rabbit?" Aoi crappily attempted to change the subject.

"I threw it away. Even though, it did cost me fifty thousand Cols."

"WHAT! What a waste! Dad's going to pay for what he did." She showed a toothy grin, as she punched the palm of her other hand.

"Oh come on, it wasn't dad's fault. You heard mom, something was wrong, besides I think mom has forgiven him already."

I nodded at his keen observation; Aoi has always been the more rational of the two.

"Muuuuuuuuum, you can't let dad get away with this." She whined, her brother nudging her ribs.

"Oh shut-"

"Actually, he didn't get away with it." I interrupted Aoi.

"I ran up to him and sort of stabbed him. He died moments later, but I _revived_ him with the Divine Stone."

Both of their jaws dropped. Their faces froze for the remainder of the minute.

"What? I did say that this was a story on how I _almost_ killed him."

* * *

**Okay that's it for this chapter, I hoped you guys liked it. Please leave comments on how I could do better next time. Also the next update may take a while, I have exams coming up. Thanks.**


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